I would just like to say that I do not own a pole nor do I dance as though I own one. I also don't do Jazzercise or any type of 1980 Jane Fonda aerobics videos in my living room. I'm not sure where she picked these moves up but I think her "hip roll" is nicely done, don't you? She says she learned at school but I seriously doubt her sweet little timid teacher Miss Emily would be teaching this type of dance at the Christian Daycare she attends. Ha! One things for certain - I need to enroll this child in the next hula hoop contest I hear about because I'm pretty sure she'd nail it!
Like I mentioned in my last posting, I had Avery's newborn photos done on Tuesday and I snapped one on my phone because I was dying over all the cuteness and found it absolutely necessary that I shared it with her Daddy ASAP. For your viewing pleasure:
I know, right! I can't wait to see the rest.
Kennedy was begging me to wear the accessories you'll see in these next to pics for their sister pictures. Yeah...pretty sure I said no, but I told her I would take some pics of her in them:
I'm happy to report that as of yesterday Avery's bilirubin is trending down enough in number that we are done with the heel pricking - hallelujah! Unless she lessens her eating and or "output" we are in the clear. Looks like the "sunbathing" and frequent nursing has paid off.
So...some of you know and some of you don't, but I had pretty severe post partum anxiety with Kennedy. My prayer this entire pregnancy with Avery was that I wouldn't feel anxious and I could just rest in the blessing that this baby was from the Lord...PERIOD. Some days I felt confident that the Lord was reassuring me in that area and others I didn't. Ultimately I knew only time would tell whether I'd have those same anxieties or not. I'm happy to report that after a week of being home with her I am not feeling anxious at all Praise the Lord!
I was really emotional after I had Kennedy too and some of my emotions couldn't even be explained. It was the oddest thing. Tim would be like "why are you crying" and through my sobs I would say "I'm not really sure". I think hormones play a big role in post partum emotion but hormones can't exactly explain to your friends and family why you've vacated your body and some psycho emotional drama queen has stepped in to raise your baby. I've been pleasantly surprised that with the exception of shedding some tears when Chelsea and my Mom left - I've not cried since having Avery. Yesterday morning, in fact when I realized that - I just prayed and thanked Jesus for being with me - making it known that he's taking my worry and cares upon him which is ultimately allowing me to be more available to my girls.
Well....when Kennedy got home from school last night she sat beside me in our big snuggly chair while I nursed her little sister. It's a bit of a habit of hers that has started. It's totally not comfortable for me but I withstand it just so she can be near me and I near her. So much of my time is given to Avery right now that I treasure, even more so, all my moments with Kennedy. Last night, after the little show went off she'd been watching she hopped down out of the chair and said she was "going to play by herself in the playroom". She said it in a bit of a huffy tone, which I thought was odd but I thought - "ok...good for you". She's always been really good at independent play and I've always really treasured that aspect of her personality. She has tea parties with Annie (our cat), she reads books to Annie, she plays dress up, etc. and I think it's awesome that she uses her imagination in the way that she does to entertain herself. Anyhow...I digress. So..back to last night...she's just told me about playing by herself and I hear her mumbling as she's walking away "Mommy can't play with me and it makes me very angry". I was so shocked. I felt like someone punched me in the oh so flabby post - baby belly. Did I hear her correctly?!?!? "Kennedy...get in here!" I said. She did her stomping march back in to the living room and said "what?"...(in a meek tone of voice...realizing she'd said something not nice no doubt). I asked her why she said that and what did she mean by it. It was too much for a toddler I suppose, to ask such questions but I wanted to know...I needed to know. She eventually told me she was upset with me and that she'd rather play with Daddy. Well, y'all - it made me SO SAD. I just sat there processing it...almost like when I've processed break-ups or arguments with friends or uncomfortable situations with family members. You know what I'm talking about? Like...that tingly flight or fight thing your nervous system jumps into when somethings upsets you? I wast totally doing that all the while trying to rationalize within myself that she was 3.5 years old - her life has just been totally turned upside down by this 6 lb baby and this was more than likely an outward show of her displeasure about it all. No matter tha rationalizing...the tears came and wouldn't stop. I had to excuse myself to allow them to fall freely. I didn't want to have to explain to my perfectly level headed and not super emotional husband why I was crying over what my child had just said. It just hurt my feelings because she and I are buddies...we do everything together...or we did and I'm still trying to be there for her...make special time for her, etc. My night never really resumed to normal but I told Tim I wanted to read her her night night books last night because I just needed some Mommy redemption if you will. So...we read Ladybug Girl and Bumblebee Boy and What the Ladybug Heard and then I told her that no matter how much Avery needed me - I knew that she needed me too and I was there for her. I told her I loved her and her sister the same and that I love to spend time with her and play with her. She just stared at me - her big blue eyes not blinking. "Do you understand?" I said. She nodded. That had to be enough...saying much more would be overkill for her level of thinking I felt certain. I got up and tucked her in and said "goodnight" and she said "Momma...you forgot to kiss me". It made me smile after about an hour and a half of recovering from my figurative gut punch. I walked over to kiss her and she said "I love you Momma" and all felt right in the universe again. As I nursed Avery for the last time of the night about 2 hours later more tears came, and came, and came and I thanked God for my girls...for their health....for their spirits...for the joy they bring me. I asked him to help me give Kennedy what she needs during this time and to help me withstand it when she lets me know she's not getting what she needs and to have thick skin when she's simply expressing her displeasure. I thought to myself "so...here I thought I'd escaped the post partum emotion". Right! It was a good cry though and it prompted a good talk so those are good things! I then fell right into bed and right asleep until Avery awoke about 4 hours later and I found myself actually smiling when I went in to get her. Motherhood is hard but man it's amazing! Kennedy is going to keep me on my toes for sure!